What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 02:49
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My family never makes their pension either.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But it wasn’t much.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
What does K mean in Vietnamese?
I don,t even have a pension.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I was seconnd youngest,
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So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
So whats the point in blame.
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Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was very sick at this time too.
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She married twice! .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
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I waited trembling.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
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Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
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He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I will be 64.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
How do teachers justify punishing a student for fighting back against their bullies?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
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But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I couldn’t, believe it.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We all went to grammer schools
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Comes on , in middle age.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And i lived it daily.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I was scared of men, in general
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He resisted the act ,that day.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
This is soul school!.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Was to survive, this bastard.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I have no regrets .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I write beautiful poetry .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
It was going to be , some day.
So, i spoilt her more .
Ive learnt so much.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She loved him until the end.
I was 9 years of age.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But, we were locked up after school.
One cannot live in the past .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He knew the spot.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She wouldn,t have been !
What did i know ?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We were not on the streets..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
They are buried together, in the same grave..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My life is so biszare .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Put me off passion for life!!
Especially a lifetime of it.
When she asked me how she looked .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Im still living with it.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Would this be the day?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I think the readers, may guess!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She was in good health!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
All the time i was locked up.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Who then, do I blame.?
As i do to all so called friends.?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She found it foreign!.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
(And it was in our own minds.)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I said to her
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My mum and dad in the seventies!